Release of the Lonely

I felt no shame about masturbating. Thanks to Anorak’s Almanac, I now thought of it as a normal bodily function, as necessary and natural as sleeping or eating. 

I've always been one for shock value. Whether it be in the form of comedy or gratuitous horror, I have found it to be a necessity that you do something to maintain a reader's attention. I have truly never found a bit of random dicktitude (my made up word for the action of dicking around) to be of negative affections. It is easiest to get your message across when your readers, or listeners, are paying attention. Even in our favorite books I can guarantee that we have all had to skim through some less than interesting groupings of monotonous lettering. One of my favorite examples of throwing a curve straight out of left field (I know nothing about baseball) would be the section of Ernest Cline's Ready Player One devoted to the importance of masturbation. It reads like so:
AA 241:87—I would argue that masturbation is the human animal’s most important adaptation. The very cornerstone of our technological civilization. Our hands evolved to grip tools, all right—including our own. You see, thinkers, inventors, and scientists are usually geeks, and geeks have a harder time getting laid than anyone. Without the built-in sexual release valve provided by masturbation, it’s doubtful that early humans would have ever mastered the secrets of fire or discovered the wheel. And you can bet that Galileo, Newton, and Einstein never would have made their discoveries if they hadn’t first been able to clear their heads by slapping the salami (or “knocking a few protons off the old hydrogen atom”). The same goes for Marie Curie. Before she discovered radium, you can be certain she first discovered the little man in the canoe. 
It wasn’t one of Halliday’s more popular theories, but I liked it.
Now, whether I choose to agree completely with these words I feel like there is something to be gained by them. In listening to what he has to say it is easy to see the oppression us nerds have come to face from those who deem us unworthy of attention or sexual activities. This could be taken a step further to say that, on the whole, we aren't even considered functioning members of society by most. I know that personally I've had to adapt to a number of different social norms to obtain any kind of companionship. We aren't allowed to be us and masturbation is just one form of coping. Even if you are against it you have to admit that it's better than getting drunk or being high all the time. We thrive off of the noble sacrifice of adult performers and sleezy internet perverts. We make bank on the devices in your pocket and the words in your head. Now I want you to think about all of the people you have oppressed, you can't say that you haven't because at one point everyone has, and tell yourself all the ways you could've made them a little less lonely.